Who is Brenda?
Writing this blog is scary. I’ve written about other people for the Chicago Tribune, The Chicago Reader, The Daily Herald, and Ad Age, but never myself. And here I am sharing the diary I kept the year I got sober, and most people don’t know I’m an alcoholic. I didn’t lose my good name, my husband, or even my driver’s license. I’m the woman next door who was fun to party with and could drink a 250-pound man under the table. I’ve changed the names of my friends, but my family, well, you’re my family and there’s no changing that. December 27, 2002, marks the day I quit drinking. So here goes.
Peace,
Brenda Wilhelmson
Alisa Bittner said,
12/31/2008 at 1:06 pm
Hey there – I read more today. At work – oh well. I can really visualize and feel your experience. I think knowing you to some degree makes it very clear to me. I’m glad you are sharing this.
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
12/31/2008 at 5:38 pm
Thanks Alisa! I’m so happy you’re reading it. Feel free to share my blog with anyone you think might like to check it out. I’d love the feedback! XO
kkagan said,
05/17/2009 at 6:46 am
It’s good B, a clear narrative and easy style. Your honesty is at times brutal, but filled with insight and peppered with humor. It’s good – you’ve got something here.
kk
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
05/23/2009 at 10:06 am
Thanks Kev. So nice to be back in touch. Miss ya.
stephanie said,
05/27/2009 at 5:44 pm
have read some of your posts, which I found really difficult but they also give me a lot of clarity. As the wife of an alcoholic, (who has thankfully been sober now for nearly 3 years), I can’t seem to get over the fact that I still feel like I am living on a knife edge & am always waiting for the 1st cut!! live well
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
06/05/2009 at 6:13 pm
Hi Stephanie. I wish you peace and happiness. Living with one of us isn’t easy. Ever since you wrote, I’ve debated whether or not I should suggest Al-anon meetings. They can be very helpful, if you want to give them a shot.
Liz Laughlin said,
05/29/2009 at 8:49 am
Hi Brenda,
It’s been really gratifying for me to learn about your experience this way and it’s helped me quite a bit. That first year is so tough and reading about your early sobriety has made me feel closer to you and is a great reminder that we’re in this together, even though I rarely see you
Give me more please..
Liz
Laura said,
08/08/2009 at 12:50 pm
Hi Brenda,
Your writings are amazing!!
Where to start?
ok, I’ll start with myself.
I also feel like I have a lot of drinks left in me. I’m on day 6 and wasn’t going to write to you until I passed a month or so but it looks like that’s not going to happen because my mother is so on my nerves. She sounds *exactly* like your father (and goes even beyond that). She’s always been a monlogue-er. That is, she just talks shit about everyone and everything while she’s cooking or going about doing chores (she has always done this throughout my life). She always criticized my every move.
All I wanted to do was to escape from her. I did this by watching TV in my room, disappearing into myself and as a result I disappeared from reality. I liked being in my own ‘safe’ reality. The problem with this is whenever I had to deal with people in ‘real’ life I had negative reactions. I was an only child so I had no one to share my hellhole with. I got a ‘double blow’ : one from home and one from society because I did not learn what I was expected to do from home. So I grew up thinking everyone hated me. They really hated me, I don’t blame them in a way. I really *was* an asshole, but didn’t know why. I have Social Anxiety.
When I graduated HS I had a fun-loving partying girlfriend. EXACTLY what I wanted because we were out getting drunk / high / going wherever we could go to escape from hell. I needed this so that the anxiety would go away and I can be normal and relaxed. And BTW the few friends I did have thought I was so fun and cool. I am actually really cool, it just never comes out.
Later I wrecked a car. At another time I got a DUI. Then I left for Uni. I did well in Uni. I guess I had 2 personalities. The one that can go to school and do well and the one that went crazy on the weekends. I graduated in Computer Engineering.
When I got my first job which I barely pulled off (I was a contractor at first and they hired me on – I always was good at what I did by myself – they liked my work). I could hardly look at people. Someone would say something to me and internally I would freak out and could barely mutter a word. When we had company parties I had to rely on my buddy the drink so I can even talk.
I guess the one thing that stuck out most is when you wrote someone off for saying something stupid. Sure, if someone said ‘I smoked pot and drank while pregnant’ is pretty damn obvious that they’re stupid. But like I seem to sabotage myself all the time because I say something I didn’t mean to say.
Anyways, I also do Yoga. My Yoga instructor left for 3 weeks and on top of that my mother is here. So I can’t quit this week like I really, really wanted to. The hangovers hurt so bad and I can feel my brain frying from dehydration. I know the day has to come where I quit like you did. It’s harder for me because I lost the Christian God a long time ago. I came to believe in a core sphere that all spirituality shares and the definitions of religions are just off-shoots so that government can control people. They cause war and hatred in this world. So the 12 steps won’t help me. So it’s up to me. I’ll write you if I ever pass a month.
Loved your writings.
Laura
ps – I also believe anyone who drinks enough can be an alchi (f#$# the first drink theory)
Steve said,
07/25/2011 at 1:20 pm
Hi Laura,
I too have suffered from my drinking. To this day I can’t get a drivers license. The positive of this is I’m in good shape now because of my bicycling. I’ve done the AA thing and attended a couple residential rehabs. All were 12 step based. This didn’t work for me. I don’t believe we are powerless. I don’t believe in labeling and I think the disease theory is absurd and outdated. It’s a bad habit. I believe alcohol doesn’t control anyone’s life if we don’t take the first drink.
I started drinking before high school. To fit in, to ease my anxiety, to be with the “In” crowd. I over did it often. Mostly because I felt if one was good, more would be alot better.
The key to happiness is belief in ones self. Making peace with the past and being assertive. One’s self image is all important. 12 step programs don’t convey this. it’s all about drinking. Every day, all day it’s about not drinking. Instead of continually thinking about not drinking. I’ve chosen to think about life. Do things i enjoy doing. Like myself.
I just hate the label “alcoholic”. That’s not who we fellow problem drinkers are. We are human beings who don’t have to be ruled by our automatic thoughts from the past. We can live and enjoy the present. I do and we all can.
Chris said,
09/08/2011 at 10:36 am
You know Steve is right. I’m struggling with damn xanax addiction but that’s not my drug of choice but it’s the only one I can get. I love pain killers but one can only fake a broken bone so many times. I’ve got a liking for beer and wine though I don’t drink enough to get hung over but I will drink at least 2 drinks every single day and I know that isn’t normal and it’s borderline alcoholic because I drink for the soothing effect just like I get from the pills. I’ve seen a drug counselor and been to AA meetings and nothing works. I happened across Brenda’s book and have been reading it and feeling relieved in a humorous and realistic way for the past few days. Steve, your words too resonate with me. I keep telling myself to get back to running which made me proud of myself and I looked forward to the endorphin buzz after. I’ve been in love with pills for years and have been off them for years until I discovered I could get xanax by going to a Psychiatrist but that’s a sham and the only way I’ll quit is by redirecting my energy to myself. AA may work for millions and rehab and detox are necessary for some but for those of us who are light weight addicts there has to be a way out beyond the 12 step program. Wish me luck. I wish you well in your daily life and your words are inspirational to me. I know I can do it. I occasionally say I’ve had enough pills and booze for a lifetime and that I can sit back and do other things. Reading Brenda’s book and these posts help tremendously. Thank you – Chris
Jayne said,
12/06/2009 at 12:54 pm
Now I understand what you meant so many years ago. I am SO proud of you, and so shocked in so many ways. Love and miss you, Jayne
Jayne said,
12/15/2009 at 3:30 pm
I can hear the F.U. over 1000 miles away. LOL… And thanking God that we are not like our mothers.
Maria said,
04/27/2010 at 11:22 pm
Brenda,
I am a 33 year old mom to two year old twins. I too did not drink while I was pregnant. I say that first because I am so worried that people will think I’m a bad mom. I am not. I love my children first and foremost and will do anything and everything for them. They have never seen me drink. Before I got pregnant I was drinking a twelve pack a day, going to work and functioning. Since the twins were born I have slowly gone back to drinking 6 to 8 beers a day. I stay at home with my babies and love every minute of it, but lately I feel that I have not been the best mom I could be until the “crud” wears off around noon. I have a problem and I know it. My family history includes alcoholics on both sides as far back as I know. Thankfully, my mom escaped the curse and has been my normal parent.
I want to quit. I want to feel normal. I want to not crave a beer when my little ones go to sleep. At the same time, I am afraid. I am scared of not being able to sleep, wanting a drink and not getting it, what I might FEEL if I don’t drink and I am afraid of what my family and my husbands family might think if they find out.
I have often thought of going to AA. I even went to a meeting long ago. A young, short haired women ( I don’t know her name) called me for several days and left me messages practically begging me to call her back. I was 27 at the time and not ready. I feel like I am ready now, but at the same time I am scared to stop. I can’t imagine how open I would feel if I stopped. I think I use it to numb myself. My husband had testicular cancer years ago and our relationship has not been the same since.
I want to feel whole again. I used to be a vibrant person that never met a stranger. I have become a hole in the wall. A closet. Someone who never has the courage to show myself and let the world in. It affects my children. They play with each other, not with other children because their mother can’t imagine meeting a person that wouldn’t see right through her.
My husband is in the military. We moved from one state to another almost five years ago. After my children were born I was isolated because of their prematurity, the possibility of RSV, etc for a while. Before we moved here I did make friends, alcohol and all. Since the babies were born, the isolation in the beginning made it easier to disconnect and that is where I am today. I still have two best friends from long ago. We talk everyday. I hope they have no idea of my problem. I’m sure they have suspicions.
Ultimately, I cannot imagine a world in which I didn’t drink. I want to stop. I think about it everyday. I pray in the morning that this will be the day where I don’t take a drink and by days end, I am the familiar face at the gas station grabbing my 6 pack and 1 (24 ounce). It’s humiliating.
I know I need help and I don’t want to continue the cycle with my children. They already have it in their genes. The last thing they need is to see it everyday in their mother.
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
04/28/2010 at 11:23 pm
Hi Maria,
You are not alone. So many of us have walked or are walking in your shoes. You’re in a tough place. I didn’t want to stop drinking. I used to ask God to help me control my drinking. But one day, I had enough and went to a 12-step meeting. I went because I knew I couldn’t quit on my own. I know myself. If I weren’t working a 12-step program, I would be drinking right now instead of writing to you. I’ve been sober seven years now and I have much more fun now than when I was drinking. I didn’t think that was possible, but it’s true. I’m also a good role model for my kids today, and that is huge. What the hell, give AA another shot. I wish you peace and happiness. Best wishes on your journey.
Brenda
mikey said,
12/08/2012 at 7:05 am
You are SO not alone. Everything you said resonates. EVERYTHING.
ScottQ said,
09/15/2010 at 10:31 am
Brenda, you’ve got some big stones! Just laying it all out there – I applaud you.
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
09/24/2010 at 3:43 pm
Thanks Scott,
Sorry for the tardy response, but I’ve been out of town. It’s been a scary process, and now it’s a little scarier. “Diary of an Alcoholic Housewife,” is becoming a book. It will be released March 1 and on October 12, my publisher will start releasing excerpts from it on a website called Sober 24. Thank-you so much for your support.
Peace,
Brenda
Stacy said,
03/06/2011 at 4:10 pm
I know how hard must have been to share these stories with the world.
You’re great, you should be proud!
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
03/06/2011 at 7:16 pm
Thank-you for your kind words Stacy. Thank-you for your support. It means a lot.
Kim Duhaime said,
03/23/2011 at 7:51 am
I,m in recovery 9 mos. I recently went to a memorial of a good freind from high school. He was killed by a drunk driver in Alaska. I still know quite a few people from high-school, which I am grateful for. The memorial was held at a restaurant/bar. I was amazed how much more I enjoyed my friends being sober. It was about me being sober for me. I did not need to take any one else’s inventory, and that is so totally refreshing. I also felt that no-one was taking my inventory. Even more refreshing!
Good Morning! I,m your higher power, and I won’t be needing your help today!
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
03/23/2011 at 8:47 am
Thanks sister.
Lynette said,
04/15/2011 at 11:07 am
Brenda, I am about halfway done with your book and am really enjoying it! I found out about it from a friend and have been thinking for quite some time I needed to change my drinking ways. I am a 41 year old professional with a great family, job, well educated, etc. On the outside I seem so together on the inside I hate my inability to control my “binge drinking”. Listening to your story has helped me see that perhaps my feelings are unwarranted and I do not just “worry too much” as many of those close to me like to say. I look forward to following your work on the Huffington Post and blogs!
Thanks,
Lynete
Lynette said,
04/15/2011 at 11:08 am
I meant to say my feelings were not unwarranted. My fingers type faster than my brain.
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
04/16/2011 at 6:17 am
Wishing you all the best Lynette. I’m so grateful I ditched my drinking cycle.
Teri said,
06/30/2011 at 6:29 am
I just watched you on the Today Show. I too had a problem and kept telling myself I wasn’t an alcoholic. I worked full-time and the mother of two daughters. I would only drink on the weekends because I worked during the week. So if I didn’t drink everyday, I didn’t have a problem, right? Wrong! I guess I was trying to escape my life and my weekends became blackouts. I managed this routine for many many years because I never really hit “rock bottom”. I finally realized I was killing myself both emotionally and physically. I commend you on realizing and turning your life around. I know we both feel better and enjoying all that life has to offer us……without the alcohol!!!
Shannon said,
07/18/2011 at 2:07 pm
Hi Teri~
I can relate to all of what you have shared. It is refreshing to know we are not alone.
Shannon
Ben said,
06/30/2011 at 7:40 am
Hi Brenda!
I just caught a bit of your story on the Today show. What an amazing tale of a functioning alcoholic and internal struggles. I really enjoyed watching that interview.
I’m probably what many people classify as a “dry drunk”, although when I was drinking my ability to excel and “shine” at work was never in jeopardy. I recall waking up every day after a night of drinking and routinely taking handfuls of aspirin, and drinking a gallon of water just to take the edge off for that day. As I’m sure you can understand, my daily battle of trying to conceal the signs of drinking by chewing gum or even wearing cologne (or in your case perfume) became excessive and somewhat embarrassing. Having to walk around your co-workers with a mouth full of chewing gum and the scent of someone who smells like their ready to hit the night club at work was ridiculous. I certainly don’t miss those days.
Its been a long time since I have got that drunk and lived that insane “provocative” life style (it went on for about 20 years). For me, it was a lot of prayer and the fact I had a family to support that put things into perspective. In a weird way, I can relate to you with having my second child, and thinking that would put an end to things. With being a father it was a bit different (not being pregnant for 9 months to stop drinking), but my daughters addition really started putting things into focus. Again, the “dry drunk” traits I consistently demonstrate concerns me though. I have put myself in dangerous positions the last few years on purpose (like going out to the bars w/friends to test myself) just to see if I can do it. Again, I can go on and on with sharing my experiences, but I think you know/understand what I mean. It can be a daily struggle.
I look forward to reading your book Brenda! Thank you so much for sharing your story, and giving me some insight on this unwanted lifestyle; and the hope that’s readily available within our struggles with alcohol.
Regards,
Ben
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
07/01/2011 at 8:28 am
I completely relate Ben. I’m guessing that since you used the term “dry drunk” you’ve attended some 12-step meetings but didn’t like them? I didn’t like them either. When the urge to drink struck, I’d go to a meeting because meetings allowed me to ride out the urge and not drink. As I was doing that, I found certain meetings I liked and made wonderful friends. I’ve been sober eight-and-a-half years and I still go to meetings because I can easily wander into that “dry drunk” field. Aside from alcohol, I use the 12 steps to work through problems and keep my head screwed on straight. There’s also a little daily meditation book that I love called “Twenty-four Hours A Day.” That book REALLY helps me. Wishing you peace and happiness.
shannon oquist said,
06/30/2011 at 10:16 pm
Hi Brenda,
I watched you on the Today Show this morning, and am amazed at how much I can relate to you. I too am a writer, a mother, a zumba instructing work-aholic. I can relate to all of your comments about rewarding myself, and not drinking tomorrow. I can’t wait to read your book, because I want to know if I can get sober without doing some long treatment program that will take me away from my kids.
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
07/01/2011 at 7:59 am
You can totally do it without going away for treatment. I didn’t go to treatment. I didn’t want to leave my kids, either. I went to 12-step meetings. When the urge to drink struck, I got myself to a meeting instead. That’s what worked for me, and I haven’t had a drink in eight-and-a-half years. You can do it, too. All the best.
Mel said,
07/01/2011 at 8:31 am
Brenda,
I also watched you on the Today show and feel relieved to know there are others like me; Highfunctioning person with a problem! I have never “failed” at anything and I am afraid to admit to anyone that I have a problem controlling my drinking. How will I stop when my husband still drinks (although he can control his intake)? What is my first step?
I look forward to reading your book and finding some guidance and hopefully find the courage I need like you did. Thank you Brenda.
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
07/01/2011 at 9:02 am
My husband drinks and can control his drinking, too. If your husband is not a problem drinker, this may not be as much of an issue as you think. My first step was finding the phone number for the anonymous 12-step group that specializes in my addiction (because it’s anonymous, I’m not supposed to come out and say which group I belong to, but I’m sure you can guess). My second step was picking up the phone and calling–this was hard for me. And my third step was going to a meeting–even harder for me. But living the way I was living was way more difficult. I was so sick of it. Now I’m really living, not just going through the numbed-out motions and feeling like garbage all the time. Good luck to you Mel.
Wendy O. said,
07/02/2011 at 7:50 pm
Brenda, I can hardly wait to get your book. It is on order at Barnes & Noble- I saw you on the TODAY Show and have felt for a while that “something was not right”. I am – like so many HIGH FUNCTIONING, successful, I work out, take care of my family, clean the house. I don’t like what I have started to do which is drink a little more each time. I have been searching for a solution or explanation where finally YOU came on the news. I have several friends that can relate as well -while these are my personal feeling for a need to change. I have found that I keep wondering WHY? Why do I drink and not stop. I wasn’t abused, molested, abandonded? I can remember the first time I got a little tipsy in school and the same evening a first kiss with my new boyfriend- such delight- I was 15. Was that what I have been trying to recreate- that delight? From there, my family emploded and that is when the drinking took off…here we are now I am 45 (This month) and tired of feeling like shit in the morning. Making excuses for why I might feel bad- I only had a few glasses of wine (my justification that it must be something else). But I am drinking daily the bottle seems to mysteriously empty by bedtime. The next morning I am mad at myself. I don’t want to do this anymore. Thank you for opening up!!! I am not sure where to start but it will start with reading about your journey.
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
07/02/2011 at 8:01 pm
Your story is exactly like mine Wendy. You don’t have to live like this anymore if you don’t want to. I’m pulling for you!
Wendy O. said,
07/02/2011 at 8:07 pm
Thanks. I am excited.
Karyn said,
12/05/2011 at 6:15 pm
Wendy,
I can so relate to what you just wrote. I am trying to analyze it as well, I don’t understand why I can’t stop when everyone else does. I had a normal childhood and a family that fell apart when I was 15 as well. It’s so easy to justify a good bottle of wine as not being “bad”. I am struggling with what my next step is going to be and am wondering if you took the next step. Thanks,
Karyn
Amy C. said,
07/03/2011 at 11:45 am
Brenda,
I am almost 3 years sober and go to 2-3 meetings a week and I am so incredibly grateful for the courage stength and hope I have found in those rooms. Sharing your story on the Today show and writing your book is a Gift to other women–I have already shared with many friends. I can relate to your story so much. I was very high functioning but I knew that my drinking was starting to control my life. I DID NOT want to go meetings and was overwhelmed with the “need” to go to meetings for the “rest of my life”. I now cannot imagine my life without meetings and without the sober friends I have made. I now have an ability to live my life one day at a time without drinking and with a peace and serenity that I did not think was possible. Thank you for your courage to share your personal journey!
Amy C
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
07/04/2011 at 9:03 am
Thank-you for sharing that Amy!
Erica said,
07/05/2011 at 11:09 am
Hi Brenda:
I read about your book last week via the Today Show website. I purchased it for my Kindle and cannot tell you how great it is. Your honesty and openness are truly amazing, and a gift to many.
I read about the loss of your friendships on another website. I am sorry for that loss but know you are touching so many people with your real and honest words. THIS is real life. Real life is not cute and happy and flowery all the time.
I just wanted to say thanks for being brave enough to write this, and I wish you the best!
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
07/05/2011 at 1:35 pm
Thank-you so much Erica.
mikey said,
12/08/2012 at 7:11 am
Is it okay to just say, ‘ditto’?
Catherine said,
07/05/2011 at 7:24 pm
Brenda, thanks for your courage to write a story that so many of us Moms live each day. I am really freaking out because I see myself in your writings. I have been drinking since I’ve been like 15 and am now almost 41!! It didn’t start out as much but since I’ve gotten older, my drinking is more out of control, mostly because it’s not 2 drinks, it’s 5 or 6. And it never used to be more than a thurs-sat deal and now it’s just about every night. It’s terrible and I feel so shitty the next day. My drinking is to numb my loneliness and need to feel less anxious (of course it goes deeper). I wish I had your strength to go to a meeting to just ‘try’ it, but I’m terrified. What if I see these people in ‘public’??? How do i even walk in??? What the hell do I tell my husband whom I’ve never admitted to that I have a problem?? What if I go and DO drink again? What will he think of me if I can’t do it? I can’t imagine more than 3 days of being sober. We are going to the beach for 2 weeks and I’m already thinking about how shitty I will feel there from all the drinking. This just seems so overwhelming to me.
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
07/06/2011 at 12:50 pm
Hi Catherine,
I was scared to pick up the phone book, scared to call the hotline, scared to walk into my first meeting. Those of us who’ve done it have all been there. I cried during my first meeting. I’ve seen a lot of others cry, too. I was petrified at the prospect of seeing someone I knew there. When you go (seriously, if I could go, you can), pick a closed meeting. Every single person in that room will be an alcoholic or an addict. And no one is going to blow your anonymity. If you run into someone from a meeting at the grocery store, you’ll do this weird dance of glancing at each other and deciding whether or not it’s cool to say hello. Sometimes you say hi, sometimes you don’t. I closely guarded the fact that I was going to meetings until recently. Right up until my book was about to be released, the circle of people who knew I was an alcoholic was very small. A few weeks before my book release party, I figured it was time to let the cat out of the bag. I thought I was going to get an ulcer just thinking about it. I typed up an email letting everyone know about my book, then sat there for quite a while feeling sick to my stomach before I hit the send button. You wouldn’t believe how many emails I got back from people who are dealing with alcoholism. It made me glad I put myself out there. But you don’t have to put yourself out there ever. I, too, didn’t want anyone knowing in case I decided to drink again. I have alcoholic friends with high-level corporate jobs and no one knows they’re alcoholic but the people they’ve chosen to tell. No one has to know unless you want them to know. Period. You don’t even have to say anything to your husband right away. Find some meetings you can attend without him knowing. I’m pulling for you big time Catherine!
Mel said,
07/06/2011 at 12:11 pm
Catherine,
I feel exactly like you. I can’t admit to my husband either, and I have all the same questions and fears. I know that the meetings would be where to start, but can’t bring myself to go. I have looked at their websites many times…
Catherine said,
07/06/2011 at 1:17 pm
thank you Brenda-truly. I have been throwing around the idea of attending a meeting, just to see how I feel, plus I come from an alcoholic family so my qualifications are good! I appreciate the advice and wasn’t sure which kind to go to. I tend to dramatize things at times so I have to be sure about my intentions and ability to commit. I wish there was a place stay at home moms could go and feel safe to talk or just listen to other moms – I realize this sounds unreasonable since AA is for all people, not just SAHMs. But after reading your book, I am nervous about the people at meetings. If nothing else, I have now looked at myself clearly and see that I do have a problem (no matter the size of it) and do need to do something to work on it. I know your recovery has not been easy (based on my family member’s experience) but a few times while reading your book I found myself wondering how the heck you made it through the parties, vacations and drinking events having club soda? I mean, the Delano?! You a strong lady but most importantly– very blessed to be helping us all.
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
07/06/2011 at 1:22 pm
I put myself in some tight spots. It’s not recommended. Check out some women’s meetings. You’ll find good support there.
Teri Olson said,
07/10/2011 at 10:46 am
Dear Brenda:
I have been with the 12 step program for some time now and have recently read your book twice! Every day I “continue to take personal inventory” and your story helped me to be forever mindful of my sobriety. I am thankful for authors such as yourself.
One day at a time.
Teri
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
07/11/2011 at 4:59 pm
Thank-you Teri. I’m continually taking my inventory, too. When I do what’s put in front of me to do and try to do the next right thing, my life goes well. I love that.
gooteefoodie said,
07/12/2011 at 10:52 am
Hi! I was just curious if you used to have a diary on MyDearDiary.com back in 2001 or so?
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
07/12/2011 at 10:53 am
No, wasn’t me.
Shannon said,
07/13/2011 at 9:10 pm
Hi Brenda,
I am a 39 year old mother of a 14 year old son & I am celebrating 60 days today.
When I heard you speaking on the Today show I immediatley jumped out of my chair & got online to order your book. Since I have received it I haven’t put it down! What a relief to finally find someone to relate to! I have been trying out AA…but am finding it extremely difficult to relate to the “hitting-rock-bottom” stories.
I have always believed in the power of the written word, kept many journals and have kept a diary of each of my last 60 days. Up until I found your book, most of my journal entries were filled with statements like, “Am I really an alcoholic?” and “If I could only find other mothers like myself to talk to.”
I thank you for sharing your story. You are not only brave for sharing it but an inspiration to all of us mom’s out there that are sruggling with their alcohol use.
I am grateful to have found you.
God Bless,
Shannon
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
07/14/2011 at 11:39 am
Hi Shannon,
Thank-you for sharing, and congrats on 60 days! I know exactly how you feel. Early on in my sobriety I desperately wanted to get my hands on something I could relate to. I’m so glad we connected. Hang in there!
Shannon said,
07/14/2011 at 7:56 pm
Brenda~
Thank you!!! I appreciate your encouraging words.
Shannon
Dannah said,
07/15/2011 at 9:23 pm
I am reading your book right now and I absolutely love it. I can really relate to the “high bottom” story- the feelings that I may not be an alcoholic (I am for sure
, not feeling like I’ll die if I drink, wanting to be normal, getting pregnant knowing I wouldn’t drink while I was… I feel like if I could write as well as you do I could have written this book myself. I too have stuck it out in AA for 4 yrs, went out but now have 2 yrs.. and I am glad I stayed with it. I will recommend this book to the many moms I know in recovery for sure.
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
07/16/2011 at 2:06 pm
Hi Dannah,
Thank-you. I’m so happy we’re members of the same club!
Peace & happiness,
Brenda
Shannon said,
07/18/2011 at 8:27 am
Brenda~
Today I have 65 days…I have felt pretty damn great so far, but yesterday, for some reason I sat on the pitty pot all day, feeling sorry for myself and thinking “this not drinking thing is bullshit!” I found myself so annoyed and irritated by everyone and everything and I was obsessed with the thought of drinking so I went to a meeting. Going to the meeting just pissed me off even more because during the entire meeting I was convincing myself that I didn’t belong there with these “nut-jobs” even though for the first time I was actually relating to what some of these women were sharing, and I think that irritated me even more because I didn’t want to face my truth and be honest with myself.
On the way home from the meeting my 14 yr old son(my only child) called to ask if he could stay at a friend’s house and I found myself wavering with an answer…I knew if I said “no” he would be home and I wouldn’t drink. I knew if I said “yes” I would be home alone and have the opportunity to drink. I heard myself say “yes” and knew I was playing with fire.
It was 9:00 once I returned home & I was so wound up I couldn’t sit down. I was pacing the room over the next hour, crawling out of my skin, planning to get in the car, drive to the store and pick up anything I could find. I didn’t neccessarily want to get shit-faced, I just wanted to feel that “Ahhhhh” after the first sip and relax, unwind and let go of the stress from the day. Then I saw your book layed open sitting on my coffee table with all of the passages I related to highlighted in pink marker. In that moment I had an awakening.
Here it was,10:00 on a Sunday night, and I was pacing the room, planning on driving out of town where no one would know me to get beer and pissed because I realized the liquor stores were closed and I couldn’t get a lovely bottle of pinot grigio! I was thinking I deserved a break…a reward. I could get away with this! I thought it was a marvelous plan. No one would know but me. But I would know. “WTF am I doing?” I started laughing and shaking my head at myself. If this isn’t alcoholic behavior than I don’t know what is.
I calmed myself down, made a cup of green tea, picked up your book and began reading. I truly believe there are no coincidences…you and your book came into my life when I needed it most and for that I will be forever grateful.
I was able to wake up this morning, with no guilt, shame, or self-loathing.
I thank you, Brenda. You are my inspiration.
Peace,
Shannon
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
07/19/2011 at 12:31 pm
Boy, did you bring me back. I’m so glad you didn’t drink. As you know I had a lot of moments like that one. The more I practiced not picking up a drink the better I got at it. We get good at what we practice girlfriend.
Big hug,
Brenda
Shannon said,
07/19/2011 at 2:51 pm
AMEN!
mikey said,
12/08/2012 at 7:17 am
Brenda, look at what you’ve done for so many. You have touched so, so many lives. I’m grateful to be alcoholic. I hate to say it, but I’m grateful you are, too.
wsm said,
07/25/2011 at 4:26 pm
this is fantastic. thank you for sharing, look forward to the book.
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
07/27/2011 at 12:06 pm
Thanks!
dwax said,
08/22/2011 at 5:21 pm
loved the book B!!!
PS I’m glad prom night was not in there!
Michael J. Green said,
09/01/2011 at 8:07 am
I read your piece today on the CNN website. Us alcoholics come in all different shapes and sizes but we are all the same in some way . . . we’re alcoholic Your story is inspiring !!! I hit a very low bottom. I lost everything and ended up on the street. I am now sober thanks to AA, a few friends and my psychiatrist. I now have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, etc. Keep up the good work and thank you for your story !!!
MEO said,
09/01/2011 at 5:27 pm
Respectfully speaking, I am glad you are sober and doing pretty well but I am sorry to say I have concerns about your willingness to blow your anonymity at the level of press, radio (TV) and films. There is a wise reason for this tradition in AA Brenda. I know your motives are to be helpful, but there is reason for the tradition. Might be a good idea to read up on AA history to get a deeper view of this tradition. In the long run you will be of better service when you are fully informed. IMHO
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
09/03/2011 at 4:15 pm
I divulged that I am an alcoholic, not which 12-step group I belong to. Readers (and talk-show hosts) draw their own conclusions. I blogged about why I tiptoe around which recovery group I attend on Sober24.com. I, too, believe in protecting the anonymity of that organization. There is no problem with me publicly admitting I’m an alcoholic.
Karyn said,
12/05/2011 at 6:28 pm
Thank GOD you told your story. I can’t tell you how grateful I am to find a story out there about someone I can relate to. There are people out there (like me) that are afraid of making the first move because of the way AA is portrayed in movies and on television. Because you were brave enough to write a first person story of your experiences you will help many women (and men) like myself take the first step towards getting sober. If your book helps one person it was worth it. Thank you for writing it!
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
12/07/2011 at 11:39 am
Thank-you for your comments Karyn. Getting sober is tough but worth the hard work. Your life will get much better. It won’t necessarily get easier, but the quality of your life will improve dramatically. I wish you all the best on your journey. It’s a pretty cool ride.
Peace & happiness,
Brenda
GG said,
09/01/2011 at 8:20 pm
Brenda, I too read your story on CNN. It’s amazing how functional some can be while suffering through years of alcohol dependency. I hope your book was cathartic for you to write, and I also hope that your book will provide inspiration for those who recognize they have a problem.
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
09/03/2011 at 3:58 pm
Thank-you. I hope my book helps people recognize their alcohol problem and get help early. I am fortunate that I stopped drinking before I suffered bad consequences. I hope to pass that on.
Eder said,
09/02/2011 at 12:13 pm
I read your piece today on the CNN website. I can totally relate to your story I am an alcoholic. Its tuff for me to say it but its become an everyday thing for me. Morning noon night I cant go with out the taste of alcohol in my mouth. That cold beer I have in the fridge right now is calling my name. I’m going thru excuses that I have not given to my boos yet in order to leave early from work to just drink. I’m alone, sad and miserable. I have an 8year old wonderful daughter and a great fiancé that loves me for me and they are not motivation enough for me to stop. The sad reality of life is that they don’t understand how sad and lonely I feel. I have a great family that loves me but its not enough for me. If I don’t get help now I’m going to end up in the streets even more alone.
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
09/02/2011 at 1:26 pm
Please get help. I couldn’t do it alone either. You don’t have to live like this anymore. Really. Sending love and light.
–Brenda
Eder said,
09/02/2011 at 2:47 pm
Thank You.
I have been denying this for so long that its going to be very hard to look for help. But I need to do this now rather than later.
Now I’m grasping that I cant do this by myself.
Holly McClellan said,
09/04/2011 at 6:20 pm
Dear Brenda,
I am just about to start to read your book. I am an active participant in AA and without the steps and the fellowship, I’d not be here to write you. In our Alano Club, we are actually about to embark in a book study involving your book. As an organizer of the book club, we are meeting September 14. I’d love to have a couple of notes to share with the “girls” about some thoughts, perspectives, perhaps even a welcome we could read, or get back to you on our thoughts…doesn’t hurt to ask.
Everyone else in our program has loved the book thus far…mostly really relating to it. I am looking forward to it.
Thank you for playing an active part in our recovery.
Warm regards,
Holly Mc
Mary H said,
09/05/2011 at 12:08 am
I love your book! I cannot put it down. It is so nice to hear my story. I have a little over a year and am so glad you wrote this. I am only on page 273 and had to take a break from it because I have been reading all freaking day and now I am addicted to your book! I am an alcoholic after all….!
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
09/06/2011 at 7:21 am
Thanks Mary!
George said,
09/07/2011 at 7:26 pm
I think you’re full of crap. I loved reading the book but fess up, is it even10% true? You mentioned the steps in only about 2 or 3 pages. I think you just went to meetings for book fodder and never even went through them yourself. Not one setback? No struggles with the steps? This book is nice but mostly bullcrap.
George said,
09/07/2011 at 8:01 pm
Ok, since you didn’t respond yet, perhaps I can elaborate. The book was a wonderful read, and very inspiring. Sorry for being harsh, but I found much of it a bit unbelievable. I wish you would’ve elaborated on the steps, perhaps you had a reason, but since you didn’t, made it unbelievable. I can’t believe a real alcoholic could hang out with the people you documented and not even have a small setback. That made it unreal to me.No discussion of trouble with different steps? Not believable. Then at the end, I didn’t catch the ages of your children but the hikes through the Grand Canyon seemed totally unbelievable. I’ve been there. It’s harsh. To have a child hike more than 2 hours, and you mentioned something like 7 hours, is completely unbelievable. If it’s true, that’s wonderful, but not believable.
Sorry for the criticism. The book was a great read. But hard to believe.
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
09/08/2011 at 12:06 pm
Wow, I didn’t think my life was that incredible! I’m actually taking your comments as a compliment. I kept a journal the first 15 months I got sober, and kept a diary in the Grand Canyon. I recorded what happened through my lens–no embellishment or fabrication. I stand behind what I wrote 100 percent. And thanks, I’m feeling pretty extraordinary at the moment.
Chris said,
09/08/2011 at 10:56 am
Brenda,
I stumbled across your book in an article in the news and read a few pages in Amazon and now am a third of the way into it and my god it’s awesome. I have multiple addictions. I don’t like hangovers but I have at least 2 if not 3 drinks every single day. I was sober for 30 days this spring but celebrated at day 30 instead of continuing. What I need is to learn to dislike being sedated by the damn xanax I take or the drink I have. My son is nearly 4 and he’ll bring me my glass of wine so thoughtfully. I want him to bring me my water instead or something else but no more wine or beer or worse, finding pills. I’ve tried AA and a rehab counselor and nothing is sticking but your book is somehow striking a nerve. I want to be done with the drinking and the pill taking and find a way to redirect my thoughts when I get the urge. If you can do it, I can. I know it. Wish me luck. Yesterday I bought a bottle of wine with my name on it. I nearly drank the entire bottle. I have 3 other bottles in the fridge along with beer. Tonight I am going to make a seltzer fruit drink and take the sobriety plunge again. I am also going to ween myself off the xanax and stick to that. You and these other voices are giving me the strength to do it. Thank you. I’m not religious but god bless you all the same.
Chris
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
09/08/2011 at 12:12 pm
You are absolutely right: if I can do it, you can do it! Best of luck to you. And thank-you for sharing.
Mary H said,
09/08/2011 at 12:24 pm
To George,
That i why the book was such a great read, especially for people like me. “High bottom”, no DUI’s and super high functioning but alcoholic, none the less. I am a year sober, and have not once been tempted to drink. When you are done, you are done, HP willing.
When you are hanging with drinkers, it just reaffirms, my desire at least, to not drink. I don’t know how she could handle the relapse people in her life. Still a bit judgemental in that department…
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
09/08/2011 at 12:42 pm
Thank-you for sharing Mary!
Teri O. said,
09/08/2011 at 12:34 pm
George, my understanding of the program and I do have a few 24 hrs is that we share our experience, strength and hope. Everyone has their own path and it is not for anyone to judge. As they say, take what you want and need and leave the rest. I do not expose anything about people or meetings but have no problem saying I am an alcoholic. It is my story. And I know by admitting it, I have helped many on my journey. People that came to me to hear more about my experience, strength and hope.
Brenda, it is a great book. One of many that I have read to help me for 24 more hours. ~~~Teri
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
09/08/2011 at 12:38 pm
Thank-you Teri!
George said,
09/08/2011 at 2:59 pm
Thanks for the responses.
Here’s a Grand Canyon fun fact. I don’t remember the exact statistic, but for a large percentage of deaths that have occurred at the Grand Canyon through history, the victims were intoxicated young male campers, awaking at night to go urinate INTO the canyon. Whoops! Chalk one up for sobriety:)
George said,
09/08/2011 at 6:43 pm
I want to apologize to Brenda. Although, she took my ranting email as a compliment, it certainly wasn’t meant that way. I’m just frustrated and jealous that her story went so easily. Well, easily, from my perspective where I’ve been in and out of the program for 5 years.
Like Chris above, I made 30 days once and celebrated, and didn’t get back into the program for 2 years. Haven’t made it sober more than 2 weeks since. All of my friends drink and always find an excuse to “celebrate”.
Worse than that, I just can’t watch the news for a day and not want to escape and take a mini vacation just to free my mind. I can’t stand the daily mundane tasks, e.g. cutting grass, laundry, dishes, kids homework, booze seems to make it bearable.
But feeling sick everyday does suck. But having a couple drinks is the only thing that releaves it. Can’t sleep sober, just toss and turn and feel just as miserable.
The AA meetings are sometimes good for awhile, but then you hear the same sob stories over and over and over and over again. Just gets old and can only take going for so long. Have only found it helpful for short periods of time, then it feels useless.
Have never met anyone I could really really relate too.
Oh well. Maybe next time, if there is one.
Regards,
George
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
09/09/2011 at 11:56 am
Hi George,
We get good at what we practice. The more I practice staying sober, the better I get at it. It’s like playing golf, riding a horse, practicing yoga. The more we practice whatever it is we’re practicing (this includes relapsing), the better we get at it. But some days our swing is off, our horse throws us, and our balance is shit. Such is life. I will never be able to tie up my alcoholism and throw it behind me, as much as I’d like to. I have downer days and meetings and my higher power are what help me crawl out of them. And, like you, it’s the minutia that gets to me. Practice George. Get some help and practice hard. You can do anything you want bad enough.
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
09/09/2011 at 12:05 pm
One more thing George, I totally know where you’re coming from on the meeting thing. I’m fortunate that there are a lot of meetings in my area and I can hop around, hear fresh voices, and find connections I want. It’s well worth the effort.
Janis H. said,
09/29/2011 at 2:36 pm
Hi Brenda. My name is Janis and I read your book and loved it! It was so wonderful to read about someone just like me, with the high-functioning life, kids, husband, friends… I had it all. Unfortunately, I am the story of what happens when you don’t/can’t stop. I didn’t realize what was happening to me until it was too late. My drinking got worse and worse, I started hiding bottles all over the house and was consuming pretty much all day, every day. I definitely crossed over that line. My husband divorced me, I lost my kids (only for about 8 months, they are back with me now) and pretty much lost everything. I have now been sober for almost 14 months, but it’s been hard. There are days when I still want to drink, but now I know where that will lead. Your book really helped me. I am not a true believer in the famous 12-step approach, although I do think it is helpful as a support group. Anyway, one of the things I most admire about your book and after seeing you on the Today show is the fact that you weren’t afraid to go public and bring this problem out of the closet. There is so much shame associated with being an alcoholic and I commend anyone who can help educate people that we aren’t bums under a bridge with a bottle. Thank you so much for your courage.
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
10/09/2011 at 9:19 am
Thank-you Janis. You’re sharing this is greatly appreciated and important. When we drink alcoholically, our drinking behavior never improves, it only gets worse. The sooner we recognize our problem and end our alcoholic suffering, the better. Sending peace, happiness and strength.
Brenda
gina said,
10/05/2011 at 8:29 pm
brenda, i read your article in the Chicago Tribune, I plan on reading your book, in the near future, it great to see more people become public about their drinking problems because drinking gets so much good media it drives me crazy i have been in the program for 2 years and a few slips but almost a full year sober and i know my life is much better. would love to met up at a meeting sometime
take care
gina
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
10/09/2011 at 9:06 am
Thanks Gina. It would be great to see you at a meeting. You’re so right. Life is much better now that I’m not drunk every night!
Dave S. said,
10/06/2011 at 10:03 pm
I just picked up you book Brenda and a lot of it resonates with me. I’ve been in a 12 step program for a while and yet those doubts and thoughts of “Oh one little beer won’t hurt” (it’s a lie) tells you that you should take this disease very seriously. The only disease that tells you that you don’t have a disease as my sponsor says. Thanks for being there. BTW I grew up in Deerfield and graduated in “72″ from DHS.
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
10/09/2011 at 9:02 am
Thanks Dave. Insidious isn’t it? I occasionally sit in meetings with people who listened to the one-little-drink-won’t-hurt voice after being sober 20-plus years. The longer we practice staying sober the easier it gets, but that little voice never disappears. Gotta stay vigilant. Thanks for writing neighbor.
Teri said,
10/09/2011 at 5:56 pm
Just wanted to let you know that I have recommended your book about ten times now! My friends said you should write another one and interview all of us! HA! God Bless!
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
10/10/2011 at 8:52 am
Thanks Teri! You know, your friend may be onto something. Hmmm.
Karyn said,
12/05/2011 at 5:15 pm
I bought your book the other morning while nursing a horrific hangover and once again trying to find a book about alcoholism by someone who’s life resembled mine. My husband and I are social drinkers but I find myself drinking after we come home from a night out and feeling awful the whole next day and looking online for help to stop. We live in a medium city with a small town feel among a certain group and I guess I am just afraid of running into someone I know. I know that’s fear of being humiliated and fear of being treated differently among my group of friends. I am really enjoying your book. It’s helping me to read about how you dealt with your circle of friends and I am hoping it’s a first step.I also worry how my not drinking would force my husband to not be social and I don’t think that’s fair. I wish I knew someone else that was dealing with it so I didn’t have to brave a meeting by myself. I guess if I put it out there I’ll find it. Thanks for being brave enough to write this. I am going back to read more:)
MEO said,
12/05/2011 at 6:04 pm
George, amen. This just does not feel good in my gut at all.
Karyn said,
12/07/2011 at 12:50 pm
Brenda,
I really appreciate you taking the time to personally respond to my comment. It’s such a hard time of year to take this first step with all the parties and events. I am lucky enough to be married to my best friend who supports me in anything I choose to do and we have talked about this before. I am still reading and enjoying your book. Thanks again for writing it.
K
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
12/07/2011 at 1:04 pm
Hi Karyn,
It is a tough time of year. Nine years ago today, I made the leap–and as you know I teetered a bit.
Brenda
Karyn said,
12/07/2011 at 2:19 pm
I know it’s kind of cowardly and cliched but I think I am going to wait until after the New Year and try to “control” (such a cop out expression, I know) my drinking as much as I can in December. I feel like a failure even writing that but I feel I am being honest with myself. I am at the part in your book where you just got back from Budapest and am really impressed with how many events you went to and managed to not drink. It seemed like every event there was alcohol just thrown at you from every direction. It must have been incredibly tough to refrain.
Karyn said,
12/07/2011 at 2:28 pm
BTW your issues with your dad resemble mine so closely it’s scary. When I go home to visit I just don’t engage and I never call him after 4pm as I know that’s when he gets home from the club. (he’s retired) The generosity that comes with the expectation of extreme gratitude is also very familiar to me!
Sara said,
12/20/2012 at 2:09 pm
Not sure if you are even still checking your blog. I want to thank you for writing/publishing your book. I read it and it describes my life to a “T.” My husband works lots of hours and I stay at home with our 3 wonderful children. My drinking has become more and more out of control. Now I finish a bottle of wine and also have a few mixed drinks everynight. I feel my kids are not getting the attention they deserve and my husband is not getting the attention he deserves as I pass out every night. I have thought many times about going to a meeting and have even called about one at our church. However..not sure how to make it happen with my husbands work schedule and need to childcare. I really don’t want to take my children to one that provides childcare because they do not see me drink and don’t want them to be around others who do see their parents involved in bad behavior. Any ideas on good internet resources?
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
12/22/2012 at 1:53 pm
Hazelden has a website called Sober24 that has online meetings. Alcoholics Anonymous has online meetings, too. I didn’t like the idea of taking my children to meetings either. I went to meetings in the evenings and on weekends when my husband was home. Meetings only last an hour. It’s like running to the grocery store for something. You can always stop at the grocery store on your way home, too, to help explain why you were gone, if that’s necessary. Wishing you a beautiful life.
Lebo Ezenwa said,
12/21/2012 at 5:01 am
Hi Brenda. I drink too, i am in pain and i know that i will never change my situation and i will never be helped so i drink.
Brenda Wilhelmson said,
12/21/2012 at 7:34 pm
You don’t have to live that way.